respect & frendship change...

I think every decision i make is based either on, duty or pure emoticions im feeling at taht exact moment.

so sometimes i think reallllllllly stupid & ridciluoussssssss ideas & thoughts come up ...

but... ever since ive been back.. it was fun... first 3 daes? but after that.. i got tired & not sick ? but... bored... ? i dunro.. i dont wanna go backwards or forward? but i dont wanna stop and stay where i am either? i just wanna evaporate or erase my memory or something. haha.. how weird right ?

i have a frend,, who i used to respect like crazy, now.. maybe not so much. i dunro why. i realllly dont.
i stil love him the same, but now ... its not the same. I no longer wanna pick up the fone when he calls, no longer wanna text him, no longer wanna set aside time to check up with him.

but that just reminds me, the " spare time i have now " i should give it to God... bcos i never spend time with Him now.. im so ashamed of myself, but excuses come up sooo fast. i thought of sharing it with a leader, heh. but i dont wanna hear the " correct answers " when they give it to me ? like the standard ones, but the ones that will actually touch my heart... and move me along again.. (im gna explodsion sooon ><)

i keep saying to myself " yehhh.. its a downhill, i wont be here forever!" but hey, its making me think noww" omgosh,. maybe i am a fat car thats not getting anywhere after a really steep hill" but maybe its just me PMS-ing.

But hey, thats like my other frend.
i dunro, i used to think i was sooo lucky to have him. bcos he put up with my everything. like, i would alwaes " princess syndrome " him like crazy & hed be that poor guy who'd alwaes kinda go along with my dramatic problems.

But since last yr, was it half yearlies or yearlies.. we kinda drifted, bcos we got too busy... for each other.. & i thought. man i love this guy soo much, we'll never be drifted completely, we'll be best budds as soon as we get time..

well i think we kinda got time at the end of last yr, & i did get off my butt side & KINDA put my " princess syndrome " away for a few momo when we talked again, but it still seemed we wer still very busy. very distraacted.

back in the daes... we used to talk EVERY DAE. haha. where whoever would go online first, wed be liek *ding!* first person to say hi on msn without FAIL !

& we even spent a couple of nights & hours discussing & trying to solve a problem we later found out didnt reallly exsist xP.. awww i missed that..

but now ive come back, & youve changed again, ive learnt to respect you more, but i dont feel that connection animore... it breaks my heart. bcos..... i feel like i havta make an effort to talk to you, not like before when i could rock up and just talk & i didnt care waht you thought. but now, i think i do care. & i dunro why. maybe i am becoming that tiny bit older & wiser.. ( heh i wished )

i know its just me lost in the past & that ill havta get over myself soo incrediblly soon... but i really miss that frendship but i know, i was the one who ruined it.