tick tock around the clock x)

found out.. i waste alotta time with you. even soemtimes when im just doing nothing ... or even when im study-ing ur sucha distraction. even tho wer not great frends... i sometimes wish we were. but cant imagine how much time youd take up if we were. so i guess its a good thing :)

thought about deleting you off msn, but i gues thats kinda cold : thought of just not worry-ing about even talking animore ... couldnt help myself but to ask how your doing. somtimes even wanted to make an excuse just to stay off msn or even to stop thinking about it but i guess its just running around bcos of my boredom xP

time to clear distractions. after 7 daes id know waht to do :) bcos thats the amount of time i gave myself to get over my distractions in life and to focus on things tht kinda assist me in properiousing more in life.

so from tonite til next sundae nite :) the answer will pop up. 7 daes to go !

respect & frendship change...

I think every decision i make is based either on, duty or pure emoticions im feeling at taht exact moment.

so sometimes i think reallllllllly stupid & ridciluoussssssss ideas & thoughts come up ...

but... ever since ive been back.. it was fun... first 3 daes? but after that.. i got tired & not sick ? but... bored... ? i dunro.. i dont wanna go backwards or forward? but i dont wanna stop and stay where i am either? i just wanna evaporate or erase my memory or something. haha.. how weird right ?

i have a frend,, who i used to respect like crazy, now.. maybe not so much. i dunro why. i realllly dont.
i stil love him the same, but now ... its not the same. I no longer wanna pick up the fone when he calls, no longer wanna text him, no longer wanna set aside time to check up with him.

but that just reminds me, the " spare time i have now " i should give it to God... bcos i never spend time with Him now.. im so ashamed of myself, but excuses come up sooo fast. i thought of sharing it with a leader, heh. but i dont wanna hear the " correct answers " when they give it to me ? like the standard ones, but the ones that will actually touch my heart... and move me along again.. (im gna explodsion sooon ><)

i keep saying to myself " yehhh.. its a downhill, i wont be here forever!" but hey, its making me think noww" omgosh,. maybe i am a fat car thats not getting anywhere after a really steep hill" but maybe its just me PMS-ing.

But hey, thats like my other frend.
i dunro, i used to think i was sooo lucky to have him. bcos he put up with my everything. like, i would alwaes " princess syndrome " him like crazy & hed be that poor guy who'd alwaes kinda go along with my dramatic problems.

But since last yr, was it half yearlies or yearlies.. we kinda drifted, bcos we got too busy... for each other.. & i thought. man i love this guy soo much, we'll never be drifted completely, we'll be best budds as soon as we get time..

well i think we kinda got time at the end of last yr, & i did get off my butt side & KINDA put my " princess syndrome " away for a few momo when we talked again, but it still seemed we wer still very busy. very distraacted.

back in the daes... we used to talk EVERY DAE. haha. where whoever would go online first, wed be liek *ding!* first person to say hi on msn without FAIL !

& we even spent a couple of nights & hours discussing & trying to solve a problem we later found out didnt reallly exsist xP.. awww i missed that..

but now ive come back, & youve changed again, ive learnt to respect you more, but i dont feel that connection animore... it breaks my heart. bcos..... i feel like i havta make an effort to talk to you, not like before when i could rock up and just talk & i didnt care waht you thought. but now, i think i do care. & i dunro why. maybe i am becoming that tiny bit older & wiser.. ( heh i wished )

i know its just me lost in the past & that ill havta get over myself soo incrediblly soon... but i really miss that frendship but i know, i was the one who ruined it.

feel so ... i dunro how to explain.

not quite sad, not quite upset, but sorta pathetic.

todae the subjects of " girls alwaes loves fags first " was brought up. - people were sharing their issues, experiences or watever. and a name kept getting brought up. bcos it was just some random they knew about, and he was known or classified as a " fag " but amongst all the discussion, all i thought about was someone else.

He was everything V sed a fag was.. just he was never a fag to me... so even until now, no matter how many times ive sed i have, i havent really gotten over it.

i really miss it. no matter how many fags have, or may leave footprints in my life? this one seemed to overpower all of them... seemed sooo stupid bcos it all happened when i was younger and it seemed like nothing back them was even considered as serious... but ive noticed every relo/ nearly relo i had ive compared every single one to that one...

so yeh... what is it about a fag that makes him so unforgetable i dunro & now i just feel pathetic, bcos this yr8 girl sharing her story todae? she seems so completely over it & over the situation and back on track & here i am still dragging on after ... 2 yrs

heh. how pathetic right ?

A, MANY KISSES ALL THE WAY TO FRANCE D:

ohemgee im tired.

saw people todae :) *thumbs up* was gonna go to volleyball to see C , but then last minute bbal was cancelled & stuff stuff so i ended up not going, then he ended up going thinking everi1 was going, then it was all a bigfat confusion... hehe anwiaes... and i didnt get to see A...but yeh..

lol

man, p-loser ruined my nite tonite : first thing as soon as we talk : ' we have 10 daes till skool left ! '

omg bro... best warning in the world.. NOT ! im scared to see your face bcos aparently we have the same colour of hair.. and im like: OHMGOSHHH that reminds me of waht happened in yr8...

but thats something i should forget and let go . (hehe)

back to A .... shes going to FRANCE TO DEFERE FOR A YR BCOS SHES OMGOHSHHHH >< btw, shes flying loiek .. TOMORRROW !?

i thought she was still hanging around for her gap yr.. but she thought i knew..
and mannng, i couldve seen her todae if i wasnt so lazy in not going to volleyball ........ *heart cracks*

so yehh... sleepy but too heartbroken to sleep..

too much to take in , in one nite..
aww todae was some1 speshials 21st celebration :) sooo a bigfatshoutout to you ! if your reading this :) , which your prob not, so im just talking to myself *heh*

im sorry if i seemed out of it... or disinterested in moments, i was so exhausted but all mixed altogether and something, i forgot how to react..

todae.. well... K came up to tell me id hate him.. i couldnt think of it.. but i think some1 told me the reason.. not sure if its the right reason but... im disapointed but ... not much to hate.. but still...

"disapointed " is sucha.... hurtful word...

vinhs used it twice on me... the first time bcos of the sleepover incident with looking dead at service.. and the other one tonite :

Cho: " what IF she really does go-out with him "
Vinh: -look at me- " then id be truthfully and truely disapointed "

i know whatever i say wont work ? but i know nothing will happpen, but i guess he still doesnt believe me.

im tired.. but i cant get to sleep so im prob just babbling on, maybe you should stop reading this, bcos its just completely nothing...